HUMOR: 10 things my black paranoia saved me from

This brother is always looking over his shoulder. Yours too.

Panama Jackson, Very Smart Brothas | 9/2/2017, 10:26 a.m.
Staying out of "The Sunken Place" is on the list.
Don't go to the Sunken Place!

Hi. I’m black and I’m a man. That makes me a black man (by default), and that means I’m paranoid. Like, I’m pretty sure you’re plotting against me right now, so I’m looking at you crazy. Or at least you might could be. In fact, who is you? Is you is or is you ain’t my constituency?

Thing is, if you ARE plotting against me, then I’m not wrong. Which makes me right. See, if I’m right, I’m right, but when I’m wrong, I’m still right because I could have been wrong.

I don’t have any hard science behind this, but I’m pretty sure the thing that keeps most black folks alive is our paranoia. The minute you let your guard down is when you get caught slippin’. I’m currently working from a co-work space that I pay to inhabit with a bunch of other people who also pay to inhabit, and I see folks walk away from their laptops all the time to use the bathroom or go take a call.

Not me, fam. I don’t know these people. I think these niggas tryna set me up ... maybe I’m just paranoid. But they’re trying to lull me into the sense of false security that if I wanted to leave my laptop unattended on a bathroom run, I could, and my belongings would be in the same place they were when I got back.

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Bruh. Noap. Nope. KNOWP. I pack up ERRTHANG when I go to the bathroom. Maybe they won’t get me that first time, but they’re coming for me. Who? Ninja, I don’t know. Them. Heck, I take my hand of cards with me to the bathroom when I play spades just in case you want to take an accidental peek at what I’m holding. I know you, but do I really know you?

See, my black paranoia has gotten me out of a lot of bad situations that I never got into because paranoid. Sure, I am able to go about my day with smiles and cuddles, but just know, bro, I’m looking at you plotting. On what? I don’t know, and maybe you ain’t doing it today, but what about tomorrow? Can you guarantee that? Prolly not.

Which is my point: My paranoia be outchea saving lives. And saving me from other things. Such as? Such as:

1. Losing That Hand of Spades

Like I said, you know you want to know what cards I’m holding. If I need to tinkle, I’m taking my cards with me JUST so you don’t get tempted by the urge to be a bad person and thereby sabotage my hand. Bomaye, Ali.

2. Food Poisoning

One time at band camp (really a restaurant in Washington, D.C.), I ate fish tacos. Then I almost died for three straight days. Last time I was at a restaurant that had fish tacos, I was like, naw, fam. I don’t know them fishes. They might be the poisonous kind. Maybe that restaurant that sold me bad fishes (yes, fishes, damn it) was a one-time bad experience, but maybe it’s also NOT. Why find out? Down with the fishes.