A conspiracy theorist’s guide to the US Attack on Syria

When your POTUS has given you no reason to believe anything he says or does . . .

Stephen A. Crockett, The Root | 4/7/2017, 12:04 p.m.
When your POTUS has given you no reason to believe anything he says or does . . . you get ...
(Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images)

This lying-a$$ administration will make a conspiracy theorist out of the best of us. Because I don’t believe anything that anyone representing President Vladimir TrumPutin has to say, when word came out that the U.S. had bombed Syria, I was immediately skeptical.

Sure, I’d seen the heartbreaking photos of children being killed in a reported gas attack by Syrian President Bashar Assad. I, like anyone else who’d seen those photos, was moved, but I’ve learned, in less than 100 days, that anything coming from this administration is to be taken with a half-gallon of salt. President TrumPutin has given me no reason to believe that he’s anything other than a con artist with bad hair and bad skin. I don’t believe he has a heart, so his acting as if those photos moved him to military action feels like the kind of swarmy st that this administration lives for.

I’m not a historian on Syrian-U.S. relations; nor am I learned in all of the histrionics surrounding Russian ties to the Syrian government, but I did grow up in Washington, D.C., in the 1980s right around the time crack destroyed the city, and as such, I know bulls#!t when I hear it.

We love Russia and Russia has Syria in its back pocket, so why would we attack Syria?

Clearly, the U.S. and Russia are Tinder lovers who are trying to act as if it’s just a sexual relationship. Given that Russia is the muscle for Syria, why would the U.S. make such a bold move against a country that wasn’t threatening the U.S.? Because TrumPutin wants to make it clear that he is not in love with Russia, except he totally is.

On the surface, attacking Syria looks like a direct blow to Russia. It’s a bold move that the administration will try to use ad nauseam to show how it’s not aligned with Mother Russia. Think of it as a high school staged public breakup. Will it work? Of course not. Anyone with decent vision and a ninth-grade education at a public school can see that none of this passes the smell test.

So if the move was to distance the U.S. from Russia, why did the U.S. inform Russia of the attack?

Wait! Hol’ up! The U.S. did what? Yep, this lying-a$$ s#!tty administration called Russia before it bombed Syria to say, “Hey, we’re going to bomb Syria, and just making sure you are cool with that.”

According to ABC News, the Syrian military anticipated an attack and began moving equipment and personnel shortly before the U.S. launched 59 tomahawk missiles.

Big oil man-turned-U.S. Secretary of State (because that makes sense) Rex Tillerson swears that the U.S. didn’t discuss the planned attack with Russian President Vladimir Putin. But the U.S. military told ABC News that it did communicate with the “Russian military to minimize any chance of Russian casualties—in particular, Russians operating out of the targeted airfield.”

So someone is lying, but why doesn’t that strike anyone as a surprise?